Updated: Feb 1
Well Diary, I suck. Why you ask? Well, you flatter me Diary and you also have way too much trust in me. I haven't written in you in weeks! I know, it's awful! I thought the whole deer thing and woowoo town would have been enough but seems like the enthusiasm was short lived.
So what have I been doing? Well, I have been feeling sorry for myself, I have been hating myself for not being able to stick to my big goals of getting better and I have gained even more weight... yay! (and I say this with much sarcasm which you can't probably tell because you are literally just paper in a pretty binding.)
Now why am I back to writing In you? Well this time there was nothing too amazing that happened just me being exhausted and deciding it's time to try again. If you can say one thing about me is that when I fall I get back up, again and again no matter how many times it takes, it might take me a while to get back up but I always do.
So, I guess I might as well tell you about my day today. It was fairly uneventful, I mean except for Susan making an appearance and a guy maybe talking to me like more than the resident fat girl who is constantly at her local independently owned coffee shop. Ok, Ok, maybe those two things are part of why I picked you back up Diary but hey, a big part of it is the other my own idea and me being exhausted things too.
Ok, so my day started off like this, my mom and dad were both away on another trip of some kind living the almost retirement life and I got up at the crack of dawn like I do....
Nope, no, nopety nope, I am tired, I am sleepy, it's been 84 years I haven't slept and have the memories of my time on the titanic to escape, I am tired as a log, sleepy is beconning me.
Fuck this, I sit up in my bed and groan as I look at the still pitch black sky and stretch my aching muscles. I needed to get this weight off me, I was sleeping and basically not moving and still my muscles ached, that's what over 300lbs does to ya I guess.
I get up out of bed and wobble a bit as I walk to the washroom my knees getting adjusted to carrying me again then I plop on... (You know what dear diary you don't need to hear what happened next, let's fast forward a bit.....)
Alright, sun is almost rising and I am in my car, now time to go to the coffee shop and stare at my computer screen in hopes it gives me some magical answers on what to do with my life. I start the engine and back on my old car screeching as it too wakes up and shakes off the cold and water from last nights rainfall.
As I pull on the road I feel my fatigue and depression pull at me, trying to pull me down. I silently pray, God, Goddess, spirit in the sky, someone, anyone please give me some kind of sign on how I can change my life and stick to it, how I can stop letting myself and everyone else down.
I turn on the radio in an attempt to cheer myself up and hmm to the beat as I make a turn, it's only when I am at a stop light and put the volume up that I hear the words "Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign, Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"
Well thanks, I mumble, I guess it's a sign, a really useless one as It's giving me no information on what the sign is but at least you higher power up there listened. With a frown and tears of frustration threatening to spill I change the radio channel and Revolution by the Beatles comes on:
“You say you want a revolution Well, you know We all want to change the world You tell me that it's evolution Well, you know We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction Don't you know that you can count me out Don't you know it's gonna be All right, all right, all right
You say you got a real solution Well, you know We'd all love to see the plan You ask me for a contribution Well, you know We're doing what we can”
My eyes tear up, what a coincidence I think. I sing out loud to the song focusing on the words "it's going to be All Right" and feel my confidence boost a bit. I guess I got my sign.
I pull into the parking lot and turn my car off. Alright. Let's get in there and make some progress on some goals or at least practice positive thinking. I am finally feeling some hope and motivation!
I get out of my car, pull my pants up, another inconvenience to being overweight, and strut to the coffee shop like I own the whole neighborhood. I walk in and I halt.
Holy guacamole! God has blessed me once again, because not only is my favorite spot open but there is some kind of demi-god straight out of camp half blood behind the order counter. He is most definitely new and I can't say I mind...
TO BE CONTINUED...