Dear Diary, Please stop glaring at me front your pristine, white and blank pages.
I know, I know, I made six entries and then I disappear. I’m sorry. I suck. I left off by saying I found the most wonderful thing. Then got distracted but Netflix and now months later I don’t even remember this so called wonderful thing. Maybe it was a picture of a puppy? Or the cure to world hunger. I don’t know. I meant to pick you back up diary but you see there was a lot of sucky things happening. Let’s see. I gained more weight, I lost my job, I haven’t seen cute Starbucks boy, oh and, I haven’t been to Starbucks. Why you ask diary? Well, only a inanimate piece of paper would ask that questions. It’s 2020, life and the world is a royal mess and I’m fat so I’m more susceptible to the disease which turned our world into some sort of sci-fi horror flick. So ya, I haven’t been feeling much of anything lately.
But enough of that. I am here, I have you in my hands and I am writing something. Anything. I guess I can tell you about my day yesterday….
“You’re telling me you think this is a good thing?!” I ask my mom incredulous.
She just nods a big smile on her face. “Yes! All my ‘woo-woo’ crowd think so too. It’s the world releasing it’s poisons, it’s bringing them to the surface so we can rid of them once and for all.”
“That’s sounds great mom, only thing is I kind of wish it had kept it’s poisons hidden, or at least waited to release them until it had learned what a gradual release is”
My mom only looks at me from the top of her tea a small smile on her lips.
“We can’t always control what releases, take a panic attack for example or when you have your periods and…”
“Do not go there mom!” I say turning my back on her chuckling form.
“So what are you doing today?” She asks. “How is the job search going?”
I raise my eyebrow at her and walk out of the room. We have had this conversation before, I might feel like a depressed slug on a log and with my current weight I might even look like one but that didn’t mean I wasn’t doing everything I could to find another job. Everything I could to continue on the path I was on before this whole disaster year started.
I go up in my room and sit on my chair, the arms digging painfully in my sides. I could sit on my bed but I was stubborn and didn’t want to admit I was not too big for this chair. I twirl around for a few seconds closing my eyes. Then, I hear someone coming up the stairs and immediately pretend I am doing something. I felt guilty lately is I was caught doing nothing, my anxiety kept telling me that if I was doing nothing than I was the problem, I was the reason I couldn’t find a job, couldn’t find meaning to my life, and couldn’t stop stuffing my face.
“Ashley?” My mom says coming in.
“What?” I ask
“I know you’re trying, I really do, but I see you struggling.” She pauses and let’s out a sigh.
“I am too.”
She takes a seat on the edge of my bed and continues. “I decided I am going to send you to my friend Susan, she offered to let you stay at her cottage in exchange for some help and she would even pay you what she can.”
“You’re sending me off? You can’t do that! I’m an adult, I…”
My mom cuts me off “I’m not forcing you to go, I am just very very highly recommending that you do. It could be good, you get to spend time in nature, you get to take a break from me and make some money while you are at it.”
I think about her words for a moment. I really didn’t want to go, but I felt stuck, I needed to break out of the pattern my life had become and try something new. If not I might drown in the monotony of self isolation. I had no friends to call, no one to hang out with virtually and my mom was right, I did need a break from her. She meant well but her anxiety and fears were weighing on me and I already had my own shit to deal with.
Before I can think it through too much I speak the words I know I will regret, “Ok, I’ll do it. When do I start?”
My moms smiles like I just gave her the best Christmas Gift ever and simply says “Next Monday”
And that dear diary is why I picked you back up. I’m going to see Susan again, and on top of that, I’m practically going to be living with her! I’m going to need all the help I can get, and as I am currently pretty much friendless, prepare to have your pages filled.