Short Story: A Good Shit

“You know what's good?” Joanne says

“What?” answer Dawn, her eyes still glued to her book.

“Shit.” Joanne says.

Dawn looks up and raises a lone, carefully plucked eyebrow. “Shit?”

“Yes shit. Like when you go the washroom and your stomach hurts and you pull your pants down, plop on the seat and it just easily plops out with a satisfying splash. Always followed by immediate relief.” Joanne says as she moves to hanging upside down on the couch arm fanning her face as she goes.

“Ok…” Dawn says expression blank. She goes back to her book, the room fan slowly moving her thin hair around her red sweaty face.

“But there's more to it” Joanne says as she watches an unmoved and upside down Dawn.

“No, I don’t think there is more.” Dawn says giving Joanne an annoyed look. “You said all that needed to be said and I really, really, don’t need to hear anything else.”

“Hear me out.” Joanne says sitting up to take a sip out of her ice cold lemonade before plopping back to watching the world upside down.

“There is a lot of shit in the world, oranged haired man babies, pandemics named after beers, a world wide shortage of TP to wipe out butts with after a shit…”

Dawn continues to determinedly ignore Joanne.

“But, when you let that shit go, metaphorically or out of your butt, it’s so cathartic. The world needs more shit release.” Joanne says swinging herself backwards and forwards as she hands upside down. A moment of silence passes before Joanne says “and there’s more.”

“Good god no.” Dawn says putting her book down entirely. She was now resigned that this conversation was going to happen.

“Maybe COVID-19 is a way for the world to shit.” Joanne continues. “Like we humans have the privileges to shit whenever we need to, but what does the world do when it needs to shit out a bad case of like climate pollution or something?” Dawn keeps her mouth shut as Joanne makes a clacking sound with her tongue deep in thought.

The silence soon becomes unbearable and Dawn opens her mouth just to be cut off as Joanne exclaims

“Well, It can’t! That’s what! It relies on us humans to relieve the shit we plugged up it’s metaphorical ass. But of course humans just keep shoving more shit up it’s hole, instead of helping it release it with that oh so satisfying splash.” Joanne shoots up and looks at Dawn wide eyes.

“Oh my god, I know what’s happening! The world has like the worst stomach ache in history. So bad it’s almost coming out of it’s ears. So… It makes a disease to get everyone to stay the fuck home and leave it room to release it’s shit in peace. Because, who really can shit with an audience of like 7 billing people. And guess what?”

“What?” Asks Dawn equally parts amused and disgusted.

“The world did shit! It came out fast and soft and now it feels like there is shit literally everywhere! But the animals are digging it, they’re coming back and roaming places they haven’t been too in forever. Also, the toxic gasses and stuff which were caused by the earths pollution farts are lowering, most likely cause it finally has less stomach pain now that it had it’s good shit. Isn’t it awesome!” Joanne says.

“The world shitted all over itself and the wild life is back! Not just dung beetles either. Like Dolphins and stuff too. Oh! Maybe we are seeing all the worlds shit excrements now, but when this is all over it will be like when the shit plops into the toilet water. We will all be super jazzed and relieved of wordly stomach pains which have been a pain in our asses for decades as we watch the last bit of shit get flushed down into the toilets dark depths.”

Joanne plops back onto the couch a look of deep thought on her face.

There is a long moment of silence before Dawn says.

“Did the world do like diarrhea or constipated shits?”

“Don’t be a frigging weirdo Dawn!” Joanne says disgusted as she picks up her lemonade and takes two big gulps. “That’s between planet earth and god. It’s like so very rude to pry into what kind of bowel movements someones has.” She adds giving Dawn a glare before picking up her phone and ending the conversation.

Dawn rolls her eyes at the abrupt end of the odd discussion and goes back to her book. She keeps her eyes glued on the page not really reading, as she picks up her own glass of lemonade and makes a silent cheer. Happy 14th day of social isolation to me.

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